Manager's Toolkit Series
Lunch with Darth Vader: Succeeding with Difficult People

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Sooner or later, in a galaxy near or far, you will encounter an individual who causes your jaw to set and your brow to sweat. The challenger from the dark side may be someone you supervise, a colleague within your own Federation, or a Wookie directly above you in the Intergalactic Banking Clan. And, unlike fantasy life, difficult individuals encountered at work can't be booted off the star ship.

Dealing with tough personalities requires an action plan. Avoidance will not solve your problem, nor will it establish your reputation as an effective leader. Succeeding with difficult people is a skill that can be mastered. And as with all skill development, it requires practice and persistence.

Difficult people come in all shapes and sizes. From the board room to the mail room, from the highest echelons to summer interns: difficult people are going to pop into your landscape. Be proactive and make the decision to manage the situation. In this way, difficult individuals will not have free rein to impact your professional environment and peace of mind.

1. Define it. The first action step in dealing with difficult people is actually the easiest. And yet, this is the step that is most overlooked. Step one: Go ahead and define the individual as difficult! Many of us have trouble with this step. We're concerned it will reflect negatively on our own ability to relate to others. Not so. Defining a problem is the first step in solving a problem. So go ahead and admit the difficulty exists.



2. Don't hide. We all tend to avoid those things that make us feel bad.



• Do not avoid people who make you uncomfortable.
• Do not dodge and weave to avoid contact with those you find challenging.

Avoidance behavior will mark you as a runner. That is not the tag you want when you need to achieve results through others.

3. Pattern recognition. Examine your history with the individual in question.



• What is usually going on when you are interacting with this person?
• If this is a work relationship, can you pinpoint the issues on which you disagree?
• Are the issues specific or across the board?
• Do you recognize a negative conversation pattern that tends to follow the same script?
• Does this person remind you of a challenging relationship in your past?

Check for patterns and be aware of them.

4. Identify your contribution. There are two parts to every dynamic: action and reaction. Be honest with yourself and look closely at how you may be contributing to a challenging relationship. While your actions may be justified, you'll want to be clear about what you may be contributing to a situation that is not improving. Remember, a stony, non-communicative countenance sends a message just as "loudly" as a raised voice.



5. Keep your perspective. Do not allow someone else's behavior to evolve into your private hell on earth.



• It is not your cross to bear, so do not pick up the cross.
• You are not responsible for "fixing" someone else's communication style, lack of manners, or time management issues.
• Work to maintain your own perspective.
• Keep your own rationality and clarity of perception intact and based in reality.

The control you exercise relating to your own perceptions will be the key to preventing negative situations from growing into "larger than life" monsters.

6. Dial up a reality check. When you must deal with an individual who affects you negatively, reach out for a "reality check." Discuss the situation with a colleague whose opinion you respect and compare impressions of the situation. Talking about it will keep you on an even keel and mitigate the intensity of your own feelings.



7. Lunch with Mr. Vader. Schedule a meeting with the person you are having difficulties with.



• Make it clear that you do not plan to hash out past differences.
• What you do want to communicate is your intent to improve the working relationship moving forward.
• Be prepared to clearly define what issues you have problems with, and how you propose to improve the situation.
• Solicit the other person's input. Make sure to give them credit for their contributions.
• Be sincere.
8. The Upfront Agreement. The Upfront Agreement defines how two people plan to work together. It serves as a charter for future interactions – and the relevant points are spelled out. The Agreement clarifies ground rules and establishes a code of conduct agreed to by both parties. Some points which might be included in such an agreement: conduct during meetings, timelines for decisions, or divisions of responsibilities. The most relevant aspect of the Upfront Agreement is that both parties choose to honor the agreement.



9. Walk the talk. Even with an Upfront Agreement in place, difficult relationships can backslide. If you let them. Make sure you do not contribute to the deterioration. Keep to your commitments. Honor your end of the deal. If you stick to your end of the agreement, chances are high that the other person will be motivated to do the same.

With the proper plan in place, you can succeed with difficult people. By modeling the behavior you wish to encounter in others, you will be able to achieve the favorable outcome you desire. Begin now to plan your strategy - and may the Force be with you!

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Tandem Partners is an organizational consulting firm specializing in people strategies that drive business results. We provide custom solutions for our clients with a focus on strategic human resources management linked to company business and financial goals. For more information on how to succeed with the challenging relationships in your work place, please contact Melissa McDaniel at (301) 662-2400 or via email: melissa@tandem-partners.com .

Copyright 2007 Tandem Partners

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