How well do you really know your family members?
One night after work a few weeks ago, my husband and I were having dinner and sharing tidbits from our day.
“So how was your day?” I asked.
“Not bad,” he said. “I did some work on my internet marketing strategy.”
“Sounds interesting. Who are you working with on that?”
“Todd Baylor. I really like his approach.”
“Todd Baylor? From ABC Marketing Strategies?” I asked.
“Yeah, that’s the guy. Do you know Todd?”
“Sure, I know Todd. How did you meet Todd?”
“Oh, I haven’t actually met him yet. I just know him from LinkedIn.”
With the explosion of social networking, it seems that we all know a lot more people than we used to. But do we really know all these people, or do we just know a little about them?
Don’t get me wrong – I’m a big proponent of social networking. It’s a powerful tool for business and a great way to keep in touch with acquaintances. But we shouldn’t kid ourselves that adding more Facebook friends or keeping up with their latest Twitter feeds does anything to deepen our relationships.
The same is true in some family businesses: We think we know our family members a lot better than we really do.
This may be especially true of parents and children working together in the business. As a parent, you want what’s best for your son or daughter. And like most parents, you probably believe that no one knows your child better than you do. Plus, you work together every day! Of course you know what they want!
You may be right. Or you may be seeing your children as they were, rather than the people they are today.
Not long ago, this issue came up in a family meeting with the founding owners of a contracting business and their two adult children. The son and daughter, both in their late 20s, had been working in the business for several years.
As we were discussing the daughter’s evolving role, she expressed an interest in working with the chief estimator for a few months. But before she could explain, her father quickly jumped in: “Do you really think that’s a good idea, Kelly? I mean, I’m not sure that estimating is the right area for you in the long run. You remember we had to get an algebra tutor for you in high school, right?” However well intentioned, this father seemed to have an outdated perception of his daughter’s interests and potential.
The same thing can happen with siblings. Adult brothers and sisters can become locked into old patterns of behavior. They may push each other’s buttons without even knowing why or how. Instead of getting to know one another as adults, they can stay stuck in their childhood roles: You’re the responsible one. I’m the peacemaker. He’s the free spirit who gets away with everything.
It’s understandable. It’s hard not to project your own needs and goals onto your children. It’s tough to be objective about someone who made you into an older brother or a little sister. But when we hang on to old views that don’t match up with who our family members have become, when we mistake frequent contact for true understanding, we run the risk of having a virtual relationship, rather than a real one.
